We all carry a certain amount of darkness inside of us. Some of us ignore it completely. Some embrace it to such an extend that they do things that society frowns upon, abhor even. Some try and walk that fine line of both living in the shadow world and the real world.
Since I’ve began my journey I have experienced many things, I have seen many things and I have changed. There are those who would say for the worse, but I think it is all just a matter of perspective. How you look at it. Where you come from.
Leaving my husband was certainly one of the hardest things I’ve ever done. If it was so hard I hear you say, why did you leave? Yes, that is a valid question. And I don’t always know the answer. It depends on my state of mind when you ask as to what response you’ll get. In the end all I can say is that it felt like the right thing to do inside of me, the right thing to do for me.
I chose the life of an artist. I choose to be free, to discover things inside myself, both good and bad. This journey I’m on both terrifies me and liberates me. Freedom is not what we all make it out to be you know. No security no home. Yes that may be the ultimate freedom, but it comes at a price. It has it’s own challenges too.
So much of who we are and how we define ourselves depends on where we live and what job we do. Think about it, the first thing people ask you when they meet you is: Where are you from? By that they mean where do you live right? Where is your home? And the usual response is some sort of suburb in some city or town. But I got none of that now.
The next question is what do you do? Meaning what is your job right? What company do you work for? I have no job right now. I am a writer yes. But soon as you say that they ask what books have you written. And I have no books published, so it means I can’t be a writer if I have not had a novel published. Right?
I wonder do people realise the pressure they put others on when they ask these questions. It is not that I am not proud of what I do I just sometimes don’t know how to answer. I’ve come up with a line: I’ve lived in London for the past ten years, now I’m traveling through South Africa for a few months. That is all they need to know.
I discovered Murakami only recently. The way the man writes about light and dark, the way he writes about what is real and what is in the mind, the way he takes you with his books. Murakami makes me want to live in his worlds of reality mixed with dreams and fantasy. So now I am building that world for myself. In fact I think I’m past building, I’m living it. I’m living in my own Murakami world.